Don’t worry, the list is shorter than you may expect.
And I will try to make it fun– but no promises.

I. Root Beer served in frosted mug– with ice.
Three times at three separate restaurants in the last month, a server has brought me a cold bottle of root beer with a frosted mug filled with ice. There are three acceptable ways to serve root beer.
1. With a frosted glass or mug.
2. Ice cold without a mug or glass.
3. With a glass of ice.

If you can do 1, you should. It’s a sign of class. It shows you really understand your root beer. If you can do 2, then 1 is unnecessary and 3 is a waste. 3 is a last resort. Iced root beer is like iced beer. It is watered down and is only a good idea when faced with warm root beer. If you have a frosted mug, you don’t need ice.
Cut it out!

II. Tearful Goodbyes containing “Helpful” Insults

Traditionally, when someone is leaving and you won’t see them again or for a great length of time, it is customary to say “Good Bye” or “Good Luck.” If the person leaving was close to you, there may be tears involved in this farewell. If you are saying goodbye, and you are crying, it really ruins the moment if you take this opportunity to offer “constructive criticism.” To the person who through (fake) tears and an (awkward) hug managed to give me the advice that I work on my “light touch”, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to demonstrate how far I’ve come in that dimension. Ten years ago, I’d have called you an asshole and possibly even kicked you in the shin. Goodbye, indeed.

III. Meaningless Threats to Actually Do What You Should Do

If you ask someone to help you deal with a problem you have with another person, that is what is known in the biz as triangulation. Triangulation is cowardly. When I take time to try and get people to meet in person to hash your particular issue out, and people drag their feet and don’t want to talk to the person directly (which we in the biz call “conflict avoidance” or more appropriately “chicken shit high school drama crap”), threatening to “talk to the person yourself” is not going to motivate me to move faster on behalf. As a matter of fact– I’m gonna chalk it up in the win/win category. All except your whining, moaning, complaining, and questioning of my effectiveness or engagement. Those are, oddly enough, still a “loss” thing for me.

There are more, of course, but those will do for now.
Carry on.

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